At that time, I was expecting pregnancy to be something we’d have to wait patiently on God for. Little did I know, as I made that wish over my birthday cake, a little baby was already growing inside me.
When my doctor confirmed that we were expecting, I knew that somewhere inside my heart I was excited, but I couldn’t feel it yet. That first week I just felt numb—almost a sort of denial. Suddenly, something I’d prayed for had become a reality much faster than expected, and I was terrified.
As the days passed, I slowly began to feel small stirrings of excitement and little bouts of curiosity about whether the baby would be a girl or boy, if it would look like Daniel or if it would look like me, and what its personality would be like.
Then, over the next few days, a progression of unwanted things happened rapidly:
One thing that has kept drawing my heart back to trusting God through this uncertain time is my Mom’s unfailing faith and joy. Even when she told us about her diagnosis, she couldn’t stop praising God for His goodness in working out the details of her appointments. Her sweet, trusting testimony has filled me with a new appreciation for her and for my God.
My Mom’s diagnosis created a storm of fear in my heart, but I was recently reminded of Jesus’ words to his disciples when their ship was tossed by a horrible storm:
“But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.” Matt 14:27
My fear and doubt don’t change the fact that Jesus is in control of the wind and waves rocking our lives right now, it just makes me more miserable. He is always there, offering peace, security, and cheer. I know in my heart that I will have to repent of my fear and choose to accept these blessings more than once in the coming months.
As the new year approaches, I know that I will continue to face a lot of unknowns. I can’t see the outcome of my Mom’s treatments or the birth of a healthy baby into our family. But the one thing I know for sure is that Jesus is with us, and He is in control.
Cary Schmidt, in his book Off Script, which tells of his own battle with cancer, puts it this way:
“The diagnosis and the present treatments have descended upon my life, family, and ministry like an unexpected winter storm. In the storm, I wrestle with things beyond my control […]. I wrestle with knowing there is no guarantee of outcomes—no certainty of healing, no promise of remission, no assurance that cancer will never return […].
"Hindsight is 20/20" they say. If God has rewritten your story, we'd like to hear what you learned in the rewriting and how it helped to grow your faith.
You may also be interested in 12 Letters I Wrote to a Friend With Cancer.
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