My friend has graciously and bravely allowed me to write her story. Read part 1 here: Sonja's Story: Choose Life (Part 1). She has been both open and transparent in hopes that Sonja's Story will reach someone who is about to make that critical decision between life and death of their unborn child. Today, Sonja is the executive director of a pregnancy resource center. It is her ministry to make sure others know that they can make different choices than she did.
Warning: While contents of this post are in no way graphic, they may still be disturbing to some. Journal Entry: November 18, 2014
Thankfully, there is more to my story! In reality, it's God's story. I do not understand why or how or the purpose, nor would I wrap this all up in a pretty bow and call it done. I am simply and prayerfully opening a door for you to peek into a time in my life in the hopes that you will be encouraged to make different choices.
And Then There Was Nothing
After the initial shock of the abortion wore off that evening and I poured my heart out to my best friend I was left with nothing. Empty.
For two miserable days, I simply existed with no feeling and no hope. Waiting for my body to realize what I had done. Waiting for my heart to feel the relief I expected. Those both happened, just not the way I imagined.
Two Days Later
Two days after the abortion, I began to bleed more profusely than I thought possible. It was a constant flow for hours. As evening became night, I began to worry. Is this what they meant about the bleeding? Should I take the pill?” So I did. I took the pill and went to bed hoping that the pill would work it’s magic. However, I woke up in the night and realized that the magic had not come.
As my husband slept, I found my way to my bathroom. I stood there, not knowing what to do to make the bleeding stop. Not knowing how I would explain what I did if I had to go to the hospital. I am bleeding because of an abortion... Then they would know, everyone would know. I was horrified! I stood in the darkness, darkness that was not only literal, but mental and spiritual as well. I crumpled on the floor and began to weep for my life. I thought, I might bleed to death. I could die. And I could have. I knew in that moment that it was possible. For the first time in my life, I faced my own mortality. Really faced it head-on. I could die tonight, I thought, and something inside me broke.
Get Help: Locate a Pregnancy Resource Center Near You
If you are wondering whether or not you’re pregnant, your mind is probably racing with questions. It’s common to feel confused, scared or overwhelmed. Pregnancy resource centers offer confidential support and are available to provide you accurate information about all of your pregnancy options. Click this link to locate a pregnancy resource center near you today.
You can also contact OptionLine by using their contact form, or use the Live Chat Option. Live chat is available any time, day or night. OptionLine offers free, confidential help, information about pregnancy signs and symptoms, information on all your options, and they can quickly connect you to the local assistance you need. Call their pregnancy helpline at 1-800-712-4357 or chat live now!
There was overwhelming conviction. Conviction like I had never felt before, and I knew the verdict... GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
And in the same instant that I knew His judgment and felt the weight of what I had done, I fell on my face on the floor, wrapped my arms around myself, and just sobbed... I am sorry, God. I am so, so sorry! Over and over and over again, I poured my heart out to God and wished I could take it all back. But, I couldn’t. Because what was done could never be undone. I suppose I expected that God would just turn away. That He would leave me there with a nod and say, Good luck, kid. Way to screw it all up, again. I always knew you would. I had not known a merciful God. I had not expected anything but coldness and abandon.
Just as I knew in that moment that it was the conviction of God showing me the justice and penalty I deserved, I also knew with certainty that it was His love surrounding me. Suddenly and completely His love surrounded me there in the darkness of that room. And as I said I am sorry, God’s love replied.
There are no words to describe the response from God because it was soul–felt. Not heard by ears that I might misunderstand, but heard so much deeper within. It resonated within me and surrounded me, I knew at that moment it was His forgiveness, His unfathomable and undeserved forgiveness. Forgiveness paid for by Jesus Christ on the cross. Blood bought forgiveness. I sat on the floor, crying and rocking. For just how long I don’t know, but I was in the arms of His grace the entire time. Forgiven. I cried out in repentance, and God echoed back His love. When I stood up to return to my bed I knew that something inside me was different. I was still me, but I had been touched by His love and changed by His forgiveness. You just cannot walk away from that the same. It is not possible. The impossible had happened to me there on the bathroom floor, at least impossible in my own mind. I had been forgiven. There is no explanation for why God would forgive such a travesty, no explanation but grace. Grace!
I received what I did not deserve, and I continue to receive it even today. I have faced struggles and it still hurts deeply. Even today, as I write this I grieve wishing I could take it all back. The day of the abortion was the darkest day of my life. But the sun rises! I am thankful to God that it rose for me two days later and not 10 years like for some.
He redeemed me and brought me out of the darkness. He offers that same redemption to anyone that has done what I did. They need only to recognize their guilt, their sin. Admit their sin to God, and acknowledge that they are powerless to rid themselves of it. Then simply fall on His grace and accept that the blood of Jesus Christ was shed on a cross 2000 plus years ago for moments just like this. When you experience the touch of God, as you receive His gift of grace and forgiveness, you will know what I mean about being changed. Never again the same. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Never again the same!
If you are pregnant, or think that you are, call a pregnancy resource center in your area and talk to someone. They are there to help you. Really, really help you. They are not getting paid for what they do. The abortion clinics are. They will look you in the eye and listen to you. The abortion clinics likely won’t. At the pregnancy resource center, they will ask you to consider life over death. I ask you to also. Choose life! Choose life! Choose life!
Choosing Life Raises your Pro-life EQ, emotional intelligence,
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In her book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way Lysa TerKeurst unveils her heart amid shattering circumstances and shows readers how to live assured when life doesn't turn out like they expected.
"What do you do when God’s timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention hurtful, and His promises doubtful?
Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. We feel disappointed and disillusioned, and we quietly start to wonder about the reality of God’s goodness.
Lysa TerKeurst understands this deeply. But she's also discovered that our disappointments can be the divine appointments our souls need to radically encounter God. In It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa invites us into her own journey of faith and, with grit, vulnerability, and honest humor, helps us to:
"What do you do when God’s timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention hurtful, and His promises doubtful?
Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. We feel disappointed and disillusioned, and we quietly start to wonder about the reality of God’s goodness.
Lysa TerKeurst understands this deeply. But she's also discovered that our disappointments can be the divine appointments our souls need to radically encounter God. In It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa invites us into her own journey of faith and, with grit, vulnerability, and honest humor, helps us to:
- Stop being pulled into the anxiety of disappointment by discovering how to better process unmet expectations and other painful situations.
- Train ourselves to recognize the three strategies of the enemy so we can stand strong and persevere through unsettling relationships and uncertain outcomes.
- Discover the secret of being steadfast and not panicking when God actually does give us more than we can handle.
- Shift our suspicion that God is cruel or unfair to the biblical assurance that God is protecting and preparing us.
- Know how to encourage a friend and help her navigate hard realities with real help from God's truth." — goodreads
3 Comments
This is part 2 of our series on adoption: 10 Favorite Bible Verses on Adoption by Redeeming Goods. Read part 1 on adoption: Waiting Well over at Redeeming Goods.
Hi Friends!
Over a year ago, my husband and I started our adoption journey. The wait has been long and hard, but God gives endurance through His Word.
I’ve been compiling a list of Bible verses to encourage us along the journey and wanted to share that list with you!
Over a year ago, my husband and I started our adoption journey. The wait has been long and hard, but God gives endurance through His Word.
I’ve been compiling a list of Bible verses to encourage us along the journey and wanted to share that list with you!
Be an encourager and share this list!
- “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families…” Psalms 68:5-6a. Whether you foster-to-adopt or do domestic or international adoption, realize that God is working in and through your family to love and care for the lonely. God is so kind and caring!
- “In love He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will…" Ephesians 1:5. Why should Christians especially love adoption? Because each and every Christian was adopted into God’s family! Adoption is simply an overflow of what God has done for us.
- “Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west… Bring My sons from afar and My daughters from the ends of the earth” Isaiah 43:5-6. God loves to unite in love people who wouldn’t naturally be found together. You see that in the Church with God gathering people from different nations through the bond of Christ. Adoption is another picture of God bringing together people in love for His glory.
- “All these were the sons of Heman the king’s seer, according to the promise of God to exalt him, for God had given Heman fourteen sons and three daughters” I Chronicles 25:5. A common thought is that adoption is a sure-fire way to grow your family. It may seem that way, but realize that whether your family grows through biological children or adoption, it is God who gifts children.
- “The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy” Psalm 126:3. Going along with #4, there is great joy found in knowing that it is God who gives the sweet gift of children.
- “Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first-fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies” Romans 8:23. Typically with domestic adoption there is a six-month wait after placement before the finalization of the adoption. What a great picture of a Christian’s adoption as a son or daughter of God! After salvation, we’re placed into God’s family. And then one day, full redemption and adoption! Oh! what a glorious day our hearts long for!
- “For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’ The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit, that we are children of God: and if children, then heirs; heirs of God and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with Him, that we may be also glorified together” Romans 8:14-17, There is something beautiful that Christians get to experience now from being adopted into God’s family. God puts His Spirit in us! The Holy Spirit confirms we are God’s and changes our hearts to desire to know and love God no matter the cost.
- “In You the orphan finds mercy” Hosea 14:3. A simple, yet impactful sentence. Mercy—something we all desperately need, and God in His goodness specifically offers it to the orphan.
- “And whoever welcomes a little child like this in My name welcomes Me” Matthew 18:5. There’s a special place in God’s heart for children. So much so, that Jesus says this statement in Matthew 18. Welcoming children into your heart and home in Jesus’ name is like welcoming the King of kings Himself! How special children are to God!
- “May the Lord give you increase, you and your children! May you be blessed by the LORD, who made heaven and earth” Psalm 115:14-15. This verse is my prayer for each of you who are involved in the care for the fatherless and the orphans.
Dear Lord, You know each and every child that does not have a family or is unloved by their family, and You care. Thank You for inventing adoption and for sending Your children out to be Your hands and feet in caring for orphans. God, I pray that You would bless those who bless the fatherless. Please supply all their needs and give them increase so they can continue to bless others. I pray that as their family grows, Your family would grow too through children hearing and responding to the Gospel. Help them to know You, the Maker of heaven and earth, and be overwhelmed by Your great love for them. In Jesus’ name, Amen. 
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Download the 10 favorite Bible verses on Adoption printable.
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“In you the orphan finds mercy.” Hosea 14:3
Is there a Bible verse on adoption that is special to you? Please share below!
Are you ready to begin your adoption journey? Christian Adoption Consultants can help you navigate those waters. Founders and Directors, Malcolm and Amy Young, started Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC) back in 2006. They’ve assembled an experienced team of adoption professionals to walk families through the process. Grab a cup of coffee, take a look around their site and learn why CAC may be the right fit for your family!
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My friend has graciously and bravely allowed me to write her story here. She has been both open and transparent in hopes that Sonja's Story will reach someone who is about to make that critical decision between life and death of their unborn child. Today, Sonja is the executive director of a pregnancy resource center. It is her ministry to make sure others know that they can make different choices than she did.
Warning: While contents of this post are in no way graphic, they may still be disturbing to some.
Warning: While contents of this post are in no way graphic, they may still be disturbing to some.
Journal Entry: February 13, 2013
Today I am trapped in a hell of my own making. A place where no matter how many times you say you are sorry, no matter how many wishes you make to undo what has been done, there is no going back. No relief from the nagging remorse, because the person that I need to apologize to the most is not here.
First, a glimpse of the waiting room and the people sitting silent and uncomfortable. Each one never looking around at the other, staring blankly at whatever they held in their hands. In the end I assure you it is a vain attempt to distract yourself. You know what is going on on the other side of that wall. Maybe you don’t fully understand. but you know.
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Second, a glimpse of the counseling room as my blood pressure is taken and I sign a waiver stating that I know what I am asking them to do. It reads like a medical procedure, like knee surgery. You may suffer injury, loss of blood, loss of life.... They are talking about my life. There is no real mention of the baby, only the pregnancy. I never looked into the eyes of the woman I was talking to. Somehow I had to stay disconnected or I might cave and change my mind.
Third, a glimpse of the room where you wait and they give you juice and cookies to make sure your blood sugar level is up I suppose. I don’t know what to call this place. It’s like a warped, uncomfortable social event. There were about five other women in this room, nervously looking around and trying to make small talk, like there is an invisible need to act like this is normal. I remember a pretty blond girl sitting beside me chatting away. |
The only thing I remember her saying is that she had been there 11 other times. Eleven! Let that sink in. I did. And it put the fear of God in me. For half a second I thought, God forgive me.
Fourth, a glimpse of the exam room. It was a lot like the room you would sit in at the doctor’s office. Sterile in appearance, with an exam table and a chair in the corner. But, don’t miss this. It is probably the second saddest part of the whole day. It is the moment that I ridiculously bowed my head and knee in front of that chair in the corner of the room and prayed. I prayed! Prayed? Prayed. But, it was pretty much to the chair because I know that had I really prayed to God, I would have stood up and walked out of the room and not back to the table to put on that gown. I prayed, God, please forgive me for what I am about to do, for what I was determined to do. I wanted Him to erase the stigma, the shame, the fear. More on how that worked out later.
Fifth, a glimpse of the procedure room. It was a pretty small room in retrospect. Too small, really, to hold the whole dynamic of it’s purpose. But, as I lay there on that table and saw the people in their masks and the machines, I had no real excuse for what I was doing. Just that I had to. That was it. I was here. Here we go. One IV and the whole thing was over. It felt like I only closed my eyes, paused for a moment, and it was done. Irrevocably done!
Fourth, a glimpse of the exam room. It was a lot like the room you would sit in at the doctor’s office. Sterile in appearance, with an exam table and a chair in the corner. But, don’t miss this. It is probably the second saddest part of the whole day. It is the moment that I ridiculously bowed my head and knee in front of that chair in the corner of the room and prayed. I prayed! Prayed? Prayed. But, it was pretty much to the chair because I know that had I really prayed to God, I would have stood up and walked out of the room and not back to the table to put on that gown. I prayed, God, please forgive me for what I am about to do, for what I was determined to do. I wanted Him to erase the stigma, the shame, the fear. More on how that worked out later.
Fifth, a glimpse of the procedure room. It was a pretty small room in retrospect. Too small, really, to hold the whole dynamic of it’s purpose. But, as I lay there on that table and saw the people in their masks and the machines, I had no real excuse for what I was doing. Just that I had to. That was it. I was here. Here we go. One IV and the whole thing was over. It felt like I only closed my eyes, paused for a moment, and it was done. Irrevocably done!
Get Help: Locate a Pregnancy Resource Center Near You
If you are wondering whether or not you’re pregnant, your mind is probably racing with questions. It’s common to feel confused, scared or overwhelmed. Pregnancy resource centers offer confidential support and are available to provide you accurate information about all of your pregnancy options. Click this link to locate a pregnancy resource center near you today.
You can also contact OptionLine by using their contact form, or use the Live Chat Option. Live chat is available any time, day or night.
OptionLine offers free, confidential help, information about pregnancy signs and symptoms, information on all your options, and they can quickly connect you to the local assistance you need.
Call their pregnancy helpline at 1-800-712-4357 or chat live now!
You can also contact OptionLine by using their contact form, or use the Live Chat Option. Live chat is available any time, day or night.
OptionLine offers free, confidential help, information about pregnancy signs and symptoms, information on all your options, and they can quickly connect you to the local assistance you need.
Call their pregnancy helpline at 1-800-712-4357 or chat live now!
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The last memory I have of that day is waking up in the recovery room to someone standing over me calling my name, encouraging me to wake up and have more juice. They were saying the anesthesia would wear off soon and I would be ready to go. There were a dozen other full beds in that room. So many. Too many.
The person in charge came around and, by now, I was more awake. I was given a pill and release papers. The pill was for the bleeding that was sure to come in a couple of days. If the bleeding gets too bad, take this pill to help it slow down, they said. If it got worse, I was to go to the emergency room.
And that was the end. We got back in the car and started back home where my mom was watching my other, two, beautiful children so my husband and I could go on a date.
The person in charge came around and, by now, I was more awake. I was given a pill and release papers. The pill was for the bleeding that was sure to come in a couple of days. If the bleeding gets too bad, take this pill to help it slow down, they said. If it got worse, I was to go to the emergency room.
And that was the end. We got back in the car and started back home where my mom was watching my other, two, beautiful children so my husband and I could go on a date.
Lies!
So, today I am stuck. For the majority of the 13 years, no one has known except for myself, my husband, and my best friend. Now, many people do. It is my ministry to make sure others know so that they can make different choices.
I killed my baby. You don’t have to.
There are so many other choices that are out there.
- Don’t get pregnant if you are not ready to be a parent. There are plenty of family planning methods that are safe and very effective.
- There are other options if you do get pregnant. Options that value your life and the life that grows inside of you. You cannot hide from the stigma, the shame or the fear by having an abortion. You cannot! They stay, Only then you have the guilt, the shame, and weight of death to add to the list.
If you are pregnant, or think that you are, call a pregnancy resource center in your area and talk to someone. They are there to help you. Really, really help you. They are not getting paid for what they do. The abortion clinics are. They will look you in the eye and listen to you. The abortion clinics likely won’t. At the pregnancy resource center, they will ask you to consider life over death. I ask you to also. Choose life! Choose life! Choose life!
Read more in next Tuesday's post Sonja's Story: Redemption (Part 2).
Choosing Life Raises your Pro-life EQ, emotional intelligence,
and empowers you to help someone choose life.
You know that abortion grieves the heart of God, but how can you help someone considering abortion choose life? This nine-week course will teach you how to understand the mindset of a woman or man considering abortion so you can communicate truth to them with grace and compassion – raising your pro-life EQ (emotional intelligence). Get your first lesson in your inbox in just five minutes!
(note: This course is NOT intended for professional training for pregnancy center workers and volunteers.)
(note: This course is NOT intended for professional training for pregnancy center workers and volunteers.)
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I've been reading It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered by Lysa Terkeurst and I cannot recommend this book enough!
“Humans are very attached to outcomes. We say we trust God but behind the scenes we work our fingers to the bone and our emotions into a tangled fray trying to control our outcomes. We praise God when our normal looks like what we thought it would. We question God when it doesn’t. And walk away from Him when we have a sinking suspicion that God is the one who set fire to the hope that was holding us together.” ―Lysa TerKeurst, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way
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In her book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way Lysa TerKeurst unveils her heart amid shattering circumstances and shows readers how to live assured when life doesn't turn out like they expected.
"What do you do when God’s timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention hurtful, and His promises doubtful?
Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. We feel disappointed and disillusioned, and we quietly start to wonder about the reality of God’s goodness.
Lysa TerKeurst understands this deeply. But she's also discovered that our disappointments can be the divine appointments our souls need to radically encounter God. In It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa invites us into her own journey of faith and, with grit, vulnerability, and honest humor, helps us to:
"What do you do when God’s timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention hurtful, and His promises doubtful?
Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. We feel disappointed and disillusioned, and we quietly start to wonder about the reality of God’s goodness.
Lysa TerKeurst understands this deeply. But she's also discovered that our disappointments can be the divine appointments our souls need to radically encounter God. In It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa invites us into her own journey of faith and, with grit, vulnerability, and honest humor, helps us to:
- Stop being pulled into the anxiety of disappointment by discovering how to better process unmet expectations and other painful situations.
- Train ourselves to recognize the three strategies of the enemy so we can stand strong and persevere through unsettling relationships and uncertain outcomes.
- Discover the secret of being steadfast and not panicking when God actually does give us more than we can handle.
- Shift our suspicion that God is cruel or unfair to the biblical assurance that God is protecting and preparing us.
- Know how to encourage a friend and help her navigate hard realities with real help from God's truth." — goodreads
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