My friend has graciously and bravely allowed me to write her story. Read part 1 here: Sonja's Story: Choose Life (Part 1). She has been both open and transparent in hopes that Sonja's Story will reach someone who is about to make that critical decision between life and death of their unborn child. Today, Sonja is the executive director of a pregnancy resource center. It is her ministry to make sure others know that they can make different choices than she did.
Warning: While contents of this post are in no way graphic, they may still be disturbing to some.
Journal Entry: November 18, 2014
Thankfully, there is more to my story! In reality, it's God's story. I do not understand why or how or the purpose, nor would I wrap this all up in a pretty bow and call it done. I am simply and prayerfully opening a door for you to peek into a time in my life in the hopes that you will be encouraged to make different choices.
And Then There Was Nothing
After the initial shock of the abortion wore off that evening and I poured my heart out to my best friend I was left with nothing. Empty.
For two miserable days, I simply existed with no feeling and no hope. Waiting for my body to realize what I had done. Waiting for my heart to feel the relief I expected. Those both happened, just not the way I imagined.
Two Days Later
Two days after the abortion, I began to bleed more profusely than I thought possible. It was a constant flow for hours. As evening became night, I began to worry. Is this what they meant about the bleeding? Should I take the pill?” So I did. I took the pill and went to bed hoping that the pill would work it’s magic. However, I woke up in the night and realized that the magic had not come.
As my husband slept, I found my way to my bathroom. I stood there, not knowing what to do to make the bleeding stop. Not knowing how I would explain what I did if I had to go to the hospital. I am bleeding because of an abortion... Then they would know, everyone would know. I was horrified!
I stood in the darkness, darkness that was not only literal, but mental and spiritual as well. I crumpled on the floor and began to weep for my life. I thought, I might bleed to death. I could die. And I could have. I knew in that moment that it was possible. For the first time in my life, I faced my own mortality. Really faced it head-on. I could die tonight, I thought, and something inside me broke.
Get Help: Locate a Pregnancy Resource Center Near You
If you are wondering whether or not you’re pregnant, your mind is probably racing with questions. It’s common to feel confused, scared or overwhelmed. Pregnancy resource centers offer confidential support and are available to provide you accurate information about all of your pregnancy options. Click this link to locate a pregnancy resource center near you today.
You can also contact OptionLine by using their contact form, or use the Live Chat Option. Live chat is available any time, day or night.
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There was overwhelming conviction. Conviction like I had never felt before, and I knew the verdict... GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
And in the same instant that I knew His judgment and felt the weight of what I had done, I fell on my face on the floor, wrapped my arms around myself, and just sobbed... I am sorry, God. I am so, so sorry! Over and over and over again, I poured my heart out to God and wished I could take it all back. But, I couldn’t. Because what was done could never be undone.
I suppose I expected that God would just turn away. That He would leave me there with a nod and say, Good luck, kid. Way to screw it all up, again. I always knew you would. I had not known a merciful God. I had not expected anything but coldness and abandon.
Just as I knew in that moment that it was the conviction of God showing me the justice and penalty I deserved, I also knew with certainty that it was His love surrounding me. Suddenly and completely His love surrounded me there in the darkness of that room. And as I said I am sorry, God’s love replied.
There are no words to describe the response from God because it was soul–felt. Not heard by ears that I might misunderstand, but heard so much deeper within. It resonated within me and surrounded me, I knew at that moment it was His forgiveness, His unfathomable and undeserved forgiveness. Forgiveness paid for by Jesus Christ on the cross. Blood bought forgiveness.
I sat on the floor, crying and rocking. For just how long I don’t know, but I was in the arms of His grace the entire time. Forgiven. I cried out in repentance, and God echoed back His love.
When I stood up to return to my bed I knew that something inside me was different. I was still me, but I had been touched by His love and changed by His forgiveness. You just cannot walk away from that the same. It is not possible. The impossible had happened to me there on the bathroom floor, at least impossible in my own mind. I had been forgiven. There is no explanation for why God would forgive such a travesty, no explanation but grace.
I received what I did not deserve, and I continue to receive it even today. I have faced struggles and it still hurts deeply. Even today, as I write this I grieve wishing I could take it all back. The day of the abortion was the darkest day of my life. But the sun rises! I am thankful to God that it rose for me two days later and not 10 years like for some.
He redeemed me and brought me out of the darkness. He offers that same redemption to anyone that has done what I did. They need only to recognize their guilt, their sin. Admit their sin to God, and acknowledge that they are powerless to rid themselves of it. Then simply fall on His grace and accept that the blood of Jesus Christ was shed on a cross 2000 plus years ago for moments just like this.
When you experience the touch of God, as you receive His gift of grace and forgiveness, you will know what I mean about being changed. Never again the same. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Never again the same!
If you are pregnant, or think that you are, call a pregnancy resource center in your area and talk to someone. They are there to help you. Really, really help you. They are not getting paid for what they do. The abortion clinics are. They will look you in the eye and listen to you. The abortion clinics likely won’t. At the pregnancy resource center, they will ask you to consider life over death. I ask you to also. Choose life! Choose life! Choose life!
Read last Tuesday's post part 1 of Sonja's Story here: Sonja's Story: Choose Life (Part 1).
Choosing Life Raises your Pro-life EQ, emotional intelligence,
Dear Lord, You know each and every child that does not have a family or is unloved by their family, and You care. Thank You for inventing adoption and for sending Your children out to be Your hands and feet in caring for orphans. God, I pray that You would bless those who bless the fatherless. Please supply all their needs and give them increase so they can continue to bless others. I pray that as their family grows, Your family would grow too through children hearing and responding to the Gospel. Help them to know You, the Maker of heaven and earth, and be overwhelmed by Your great love for them. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Download the 10 favorite Bible verses on Adoption printable.
One of my sweet friends arranged for our awesome maintenance man to pick her up in his golf cart and drive her around to my side of the building. As he drove her around, everyone waved to her as if she was the queen of a parade. All the kids broke out in song for her as she exited the cart. God had done what only He could do for her even when her attitude and ungratefulness were so undeserving of His provision.
Of course, as much as I displayed righteous indignation at her ungratefulness, I have to admit that I have found my heart in the same ugly state—unable to see all the amazing things that God has provided and accomplished because of one important to me detail that may have gone undone. So often God has done for me exactly what He did for my little one. He has given me my need or want in a way that was even better than I could have imagined.
"And the people grumbled against Moses, saying, “What shall we drink?” And he cried to the Lord, and the Lord showed him a log, and he threw it into the water, and the water became sweet.
There the Lord made for them a statute and a rule, and there He tested them, saying, "If you will diligently listen to the voice of the Lord your God, and do that which is right in His eyes, and give ear to His commandments and keep all His statutes, I will put none of the diseases on you that I put on the Egyptians, for I am the Lord, your Healer.”
Then they came to Elim, where there were twelve springs of water and seventy palm trees, and they encamped there by the water." Exodus 15:24-27
Are you in serious need of a makeover?
Not the kind that refers to your mom jeans or your hair color. I’m talking about a makeover of your heart.
Download this 30-Day Mom Makeover Challenge today for free! This 30-day challenge is tailor made to encourage you through the demands of motherhood and equip you to be the beautiful mom God wants you to be.