Sonja's Story: Redemption (Part 2)

My friend has graciously and bravely allowed me to write her story.

Read part 1: Sonja's Story: Choose Life (Part 1).

​She has been both open and transparent in hopes that Sonja's Story will reach someone who is about to make that critical decision between the life and death of their unborn child. Today, Sonja is the executive director of a pregnancy resource center. It is her ministry to make sure others know that they can make different choices than she did. ​Warning: While the contents of this post are in no way graphic, they may still be disturbing to some. ​​

Journal Entry: November 18, 2014

​Thankfully, there is more to my story! In reality, it's God's story. I do not understand why or how or the purpose, nor would I wrap this all up in a pretty bow and call it done. 

And Then There Was Nothing

I am simply and prayerfully opening a door for you to peek into a time in my life in the hopes that you will be encouraged to make different choices.

After the initial shock of the abortion wore off that evening and I poured my heart out to my best friend I was left with nothing. Empty.

• My family still existed around me.
• My heart still existed and beat.
• My home still existed and kept us all safe and warm.

That was all I did in the in between... I existed. ​​

For two miserable days, I simply existed with no feeling and no hope. Waiting for my body to realize what I had done. Waiting for my heart to feel the relief I expected. Those both happened, just not the way I imagined. ​

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Two Days Later

Two days after the abortion, I began to bleed more profusely than I thought possible. It was a constant flow for hours. As evening became night, I began to worry. Is this what they meant about the bleeding? Should I take the pill?” So I did. I took the pill and went to bed hoping that the pill would work it’s magic. ​However, I woke up in the night and realized that the magic had not come. ​

As my husband slept, I found my way to my bathroom. I stood there, not knowing what to do to make the bleeding stop. Not knowing how I would explain what I did if I had to go to the hospital. I am bleeding because of an abortion... Then they would know, everyone would know. I was horrified!

I stood in the darkness, darkness that was not only literal, but mental and spiritual as well. I crumpled on the floor and began to weep for my life. I thought, I might bleed to death. I could die. And I could have. I knew in that moment that it was possible. For the first time in my life, I faced my own mortality. Really faced it head-on. I could die tonight, I thought, and something inside me broke.

There on the floor, my whole body shook as I cried. Crying out to God for my life to be spared. 

Lord, I might die. Help me God I don’t want to die tonight. I realize what I did is wrong, but I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die. I don’t want to die...

But then a scripture came to mind, an eye for an eye, and I knew that God was responding. He was telling me that if I was to die that night, right there on the bathroom floor, it would be justice. I knew I had just killed another person.

​For the first time I faced fully what I had been hiding from. I had just participated in the murder of my own child, and I KNEW right then that if my life was to end in that moment, it would be justice. I knew it. God knew it. I knew if I died right then and there, I would face the judgment of God for what I had done. 

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​Get Help: Locate a Pregnancy Resource Center Near You

If you are wondering whether or not you’re pregnant, your mind is probably racing with questions. It’s common to feel confused, scared or overwhelmed. ​Pregnancy resource centers offer confidential support and are available to provide you accurate information about all of your pregnancy options. Click this link to locate a pregnancy resource center near you today.

You can also contact OptionLine by using their contact form, or use the Live Chat Option. Live chat is available any time, day or night.

OptionLine offers free, confidential help, information about pregnancy signs and symptoms, information on all your options, and they can quickly connect you to the local assistance you need.

Call their pregnancy helpline at 1-800-712-4357 or chat live now!

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There was overwhelming conviction. Conviction like I had never felt before, and I knew the verdict... GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

And in the same instant that I knew His judgment and felt the weight of what I had done, I fell on my face on the floor, wrapped my arms around myself, and just sobbed... I am sorry, God. I am so, so sorry! Over and over and over again, I poured my heart out to God and wished I could take it all back. But, I couldn’t. Because what was done could never be undone.  

I suppose I expected that God would just turn away. That He would leave me there with a nod and say, Good luck, kid. Way to screw it all up, again. I always knew you would. I had not known a merciful God. I had not expected anything but coldness and abandon.

Just as I knew in that moment that it was the conviction of God showing me the justice and penalty I deserved, I also knew with certainty that it was His love surrounding me. Suddenly and completely His love surrounded me there in the darkness of that room. And as I said I am sorry, God’s love replied.

There are no words to describe the response from God because it was soul–felt. Not heard by ears that I might misunderstand, but heard so much deeper within. It resonated within me and surrounded me, I knew at that moment it was His forgiveness, His unfathomable and undeserved forgiveness. Forgiveness paid for by Jesus Christ on the cross. Blood bought forgiveness.

I sat on the floor, crying and rocking. For just how long I don’t know, but I was in the arms of His grace the entire time. Forgiven. I cried out in repentance, and God echoed back His love. 

When I stood up to return to my bed I knew that something inside me was different. I was still me, but I had been touched by His love and changed by His forgiveness. You just cannot walk away from that the same. It is not possible. The impossible had happened to me there on the bathroom floor, at least impossible in my own mind. I had been forgiven. There is no explanation for why God would forgive such a travesty, no explanation but grace.

Grace!

I received what I did not deserve, and I continue to receive it even today. I have faced struggles and it still hurts deeply. Even today, as I write this I grieve wishing I could take it all back. The day of the abortion was the darkest day of my life. But the sun rises! I am thankful to God that it rose for me two days later and not 10 years like for some.

He redeemed me and brought me out of the darkness. He offers that same redemption to anyone that has done what I did. They need only to recognize their guilt, their sin. Admit their sin to God, and acknowledge that they are powerless to rid themselves of it. Then simply fall on His grace and accept that the blood of Jesus Christ was shed on a cross 2000 plus years ago for moments just like this.

When you experience the touch of God, as you receive His gift of grace and forgiveness, you will know what I mean about being changed. Never again the same. Praise God! Praise God! Praise God! Never again the same!

If you are pregnant, or think that you are, call a pregnancy resource center in your area and talk to someone. They are there to help you. Really, really help you. They are not getting paid for what they do. The abortion clinics are. They will look you in the eye and listen to you. The abortion clinics likely won’t. At the pregnancy resource center, they will ask you to consider life over death. I ask you to also. Choose life! Choose life! Choose life!

Read part 1 of Sonja's Story here —> Sonja's Story: Choose Life (Part 1). 

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Choosing Life Raises your Pro-life EQ, emotional intelligence,
​and empowers you to help someone choose life.

You know that abortion grieves the heart of God, but how can you help someone considering abortion choose life? This nine-week course will teach you how to understand the mindset of a woman or man considering abortion so you can communicate truth to them with grace and compassion – raising your pro-life EQ (emotional intelligence). Get your first lesson in your inbox in just five minutes!
​
(note: This course is NOT intended for professional training for pregnancy center workers and volunteers.)

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I've been reading It's Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered by Lysa Terkeurst and I cannot recommend this book enough!​

“God’s Word is the Truth. And His Truth says you are a holy and dearly loved child of your heavenly Father. You are wonderfully made. You are a treasure. You are beautiful. You are fully known by Him and lavishly loved by Him. You are chosen. You are special. You are set apart. No matter what you’ve done or what’s been done to you, these words of God are true about you.” ―Lysa TerKeurst, It's Not Supposed to Be This Way

In her book It's Not Supposed to Be This Way Lysa TerKeurst unveils her heart amid shattering circumstances and shows readers how to live assured when life doesn't turn out like they expected.

"What do you do when God’s timing seems questionable, His lack of intervention hurtful, and His promises doubtful?

Life often looks so very different than we hoped or expected. Some events may simply catch us off guard for a moment, but others shatter us completely. We feel disappointed and disillusioned, and we quietly start to wonder about the reality of God’s goodness.

Lysa TerKeurst understands this deeply. But she's also discovered that our disappointments can be the divine appointments our souls need to radically encounter God. In It's Not Supposed to Be This Way, Lysa invites us into her own journey of faith and, with grit, vulnerability, and honest humor, helps us to:

• Stop being pulled into the anxiety of disappointment by discovering how to better process unmet expectations and other painful situations.
• Train ourselves to recognize the three strategies of the enemy so we can stand strong and persevere through unsettling relationships and uncertain outcomes.
• Discover the secret of being steadfast and not panicking when God actually does give us more than we can handle.
• Shift our suspicion that God is cruel or unfair to the biblical assurance that God is protecting and preparing us.
• Know how to encourage a friend and help her navigate hard realities with real help from God's truth." — goodreads

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