Heather's Story: I Will Hope in Him (Part 4)

“But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. ‘The Lord is my portion,’ says my soul, ‘therefore, I will hope in Him.’ The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him.” Lamentations 3:21-25 ​

My friend Heather has graciously allowed me to share her story in a four-part blog post series title Heather’s Story: I will hope in Him. As you read the lines of this post you will see that this is really more God’s story than it is Heather’s. It is raw and gripping, and still being written. However, her journal entries are so encouraging for anyone who is in the deep, deep well of grief. This season has just begun for Heather and her sweet family, but they have hope. They live hope. They express hope. They KNOW HOPE! 

As she shares her journey with you here today, don’t focus on the grief and pain, focus on the eternal hope! 

​Read part 1 of Heather's Story: I Will Hope in Him here, part 2  here, and part 3 here.​

​April 9 at 9:55 PM
We find ourselves in a very deep painful grief. Over the weekend, in various ways we each hit an all-time low, physically and emotionally. It feels like the hits just keep coming! Yesterday, I personally just felt angry. So many questions. So many whys. So much pain. I stopped and had an honest conversation with the Lord. I told Him exactly how I felt. It was painful, but healing to finally express the anger, confusion, and pain. However, at the end of the conversation I told the Lord despite how I feel betrayed and let down, I trust You! My mom reminded me of Job 13:15, ​​

“Thou He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”

​That is absolutely my heart!
 
We have two choices in this situation:

1. Trust God even when we cannot understand, and allow Him to slowly heal our hearts.
2. Not trust God and fall in to a terrible pit of despair.

​The choice is ours! It is tough in the mornings to drag ourselves out of bed and start the day. I mean it literally takes everything we have to get going, but we are trusting in the Lord to help us take the first steps. Every morning He has given us what we need to get started. We absolutely know that our intense grief is a consequence of loving Riley so very, very deeply. We are trusting that slowly but surely God will heal our hearts and bring us joy again. We appreciate our family and friends who continue to love on us and support us in the journey. 

We did not choose this journey, rather God chose it for us. We desire to reflect Jesus in our response to this difficult time. Thank you for your love, prayers, and support. Oh, and by the way the warm chocolate chip cookies left on our front porch by our sweet neighbors were consumed in just a few minutes.

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April 12 at 8:47 AM

“But thanks be to God! He gives us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” I Corinthians 15:57

My prayer for today is from Lysa Terkeurst’s book It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way:

“Father, I admit that so often I have held tightly to my own plans and to the outcomes that I think should come to pass. But I know the story You’re writing for me is so much better than any story I could ever write for myself. Help me to cling to this truth when my circumstances are uncertain and unpredictable. I declare trust in You above it all.” —Lysa Terkeurst, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way

We are trying to find our new normal this week.

My husband is back at work, Riley's big sister is back at school, and I saw a few patients with a colleague. We are staying busy, crying often, but pushing through nonetheless.

April 14 at 9:10 PM
If I am being totally honest, up until this morning, I have absolutely been dreading Easter. All my mind has been thinking about is only filling one Easter basket, buying one Easter dress, and only needing to find one pair of white Easter shoes. My heart aches thinking of Easter traditions without Riley.
 
This morning’s sermon came from Zechariah 9:9. The verse says, ​

“Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout aloud, O daughter of Jerusalem! Behold, your King is coming to you: righteous and having salvation is He, humble and mounted on a donkey, on a colt, the foal of a donkey.” 

This passage is a reminder to rejoice in times of despair and trials. God is faithful and always has and always will keep His promises. Because Jesus died on the cross as a perfect man, He paid the penalty for our sins and death was defeated! Because of His resurrection and through salvation in Him, I will spend eternity with Jesus and I will be reunited with Riley.

Yes, I will cry on Easter because I miss Riley, however, I will also celebrate Easter because the resurrection paved the way to turn from a hopeless person to a person filled with hope. So, I will continue to focus my eyes on Jesus, trust Him when I don’t understand, and praise Him in this storm.

“O taste and see that the Lord is good!” Psalm 34:8

So thankful for this reminder of the HOPE that comes through Jesus’ resurrection!

​April 16 at 9:41 PM
Yesterday marked one month since Riley passed away. I must say, as a nurse practitioner, I have spent much time analyzing and playing her final week over and over and over in my mind.

• What did I miss?
• Why didn’t I insist that urgent care draw her blood or prescribe an antibiotic?
• Did she suffer?
• Why in the world have I helped save so many lives and yet I was absolutely helpless to save my own daughter?

​These questions have bothered me more than I am willing to let on.

Yesterday, I finally had the courage to investigate Group A Strep Bacteremia which was identified in Riley's blood cultures. The National Institute of Health article that I read pointed to the fact that Group A Strep Bacteremia can cause a very rare toxic shock syndrome. Riley was a classic textbook presentation of Strep Toxic Shock Syndrome. In 2018, there were only 327 documented cases in the US. There are many unanswered questions in the literature about STSS. But early lab work is typically normal and Amoxicillin would not have been strong enough to kill the bacteria. STSS can mimic the flu, is very rapidly progressing, and often fatal.

While I absolutely do not understand why the Lord allowed Riley to develop this, I was able to rest my mind yesterday. I did not miss anything or delay her treatment.

While she was sick, I loved her, rocked her, held her, and cared for her with everything a momma has for her sick baby. We do not believe that she suffered. It happened very, very fast. I can live guilt-free knowing that the Lord and His sovereign plan chose this for our family. I didn’t mess up. We gave her every fighting chance that was medically possible.

​This was God’s plan for her. Yesterday, gave me closure to the medical mystery in my mind. I am thankful that the Lord settled my mind enough to look further into this and that He then gave me complete peace that this was His divine plan. My heart is sad, but it is settled.

“My grace is sufficient for you.” II Corinthians 12:9

Please do not let fear grip your heart when your child gets sick as this is extremely rare and much is unknown. Riley is healed and she is safe in the arms of God. We continue to trust Him. We love each of you and are very thankful for your prayers! We will be okay.

I love where Heather writes, "...the resurrection paved the way to turn from a hopeless person to a person filled with hope." If you've read any part of her story you see hope. As written in the intro to each part of Heather's Story, "...they have hope. They live hope. They express hope. They KNOW HOPE! ...focus on the eternal hope!"

In a recent conversation with Heather she wrote, "I am just a broken clay jar and can do nothing in my own strength. But Jesus can use this broken clay jar to carry treasures." That's Heather! That is the truth, and that's the sum of her story. It's what she wants to share with you here today. 

If you know someone that is searching for HOPE, a broken clay jar in need of strength, please share this post with them and be their encourager!

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES 

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​Holding on to Hope

​Holding on to Hope: A Pathway Through Suffering to the Heart of God by Nancy Guthrie, is a healing book for those in the wake of life's devastating storms.
"We can never plan for the unexpected turns of this life that sometimes lead to great personal suffering. Sometimes that suffering can overshadow everything and threaten to pull us under. Nancy Guthrie knows what it is to be plunged into life's abyss. Framing her own story of staggering loss and soaring hope with the biblical story of Job, she takes you by the hand and guides you on a pathway through pain—straight to the heart of God. Holding On to Hope offers an uplifting perspective, not only for those experiencing monumental loss, but for anyone going through difficulty and failure. (Includes an 8-week study on the book of Job for readers who want to dig deeper into what the Bible says about dealing with suffering and grief.)" —goodreads

“But because I believe God’s plans for me are better than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the path He has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don’t want to try to change God’s mind—His thoughts are perfect. I want to think His thoughts. I don’t want to change God’s timing—His timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept His timing. I don’t want to change God’s plan—His plan is perfect. I want to embrace His plan and see how He is glorified through it." —Nancy Guthrie, ​Holding on to Hope: A Pathway Through Suffering to the Heart of God 

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Hope

The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie "...is for anyone who has been hurt in life and would benefit from a hope-filled daily companion. Critically acclaimed author Nancy Guthrie offers insightful daily reflections based on the Word of God to comfort, encourage, and uplift those who are feeling the aches of life―whether it's because of everyday disappointments or deep losses. Through a year's worth of thoughtful entries, the reader will learn how much God longs to lift us up, carry us through in times of difficulty and uncertainty, and give us true, lasting joy. Each daily step draws you closer to a God who truly cares and the hopeful life he wants you to enjoy.

“Peace is a gift of God, but we prepare ourselves to receive this gift as we pray about everything, cultivate gratitude, and refuse to surrender to worry. You can emerge from your days of sorrow with a heart that has been softened to the Spirit of God—what a beautiful and profitable experience that will be! Or you can allow your heart to be hardened by bitterness and resentment toward God, and rejection of His peace and grace—what a dark place that will take you to... a place far away from the loving embrace of God. “They are far away from the life of God because they have shut their minds and hardened their hearts against Him” (Ephesians 4:18). Heart Mender, take this broken heart of mine and make it soft and sensitive to your Spirit. I want to stay close to You and soft toward You.” —Nancy Guthrie, The One Year Book of Hope

In short, this book offers:

• Daily Scripture readings
• Daily reflections for those who are experiencing any pain, disappointment, or grief
• Daily opportunity to dig deeper into God's Word
• Weekly questions for reflection, opportunities for further meditation, and directed prayer" --goodreads

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Suffering is Never for Nothing

Suffering Is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot was just published earlier this year. "​Hard times come for all in life, with no real explanation. When we walk through suffering, it has the potential to devastate and destroy, or to be the gateway to gratitude and joy.

Elisabeth Elliot was no stranger to suffering. Her first husband, Jim, was murdered by the Waoroni people in Ecuador moments after he arrived in hopes of sharing the gospel. Her second husband was lost to cancer. Yet, it was in her deepest suffering that she learned the deepest lessons about God.
 

Why doesn’t God do something about suffering? He has, He did, He is, and He will.

“Do the next thing.I don’t know any simpler formula for peace, for relief from stress and anxiety than those very practical, very down-to-earth words of wisdom. Do the next thing. That has gotten me through more agonies than anything else I could recommend.” ―Elisabeth Elliot, Suffering Is Never for Nothing

Suffering and love are inexplicably linked, as God’s love for His people is evidenced in His sending Jesus to carry our sins, griefs, and sufferings on the cross, sacrificially taking what was not His on Himself so that we would not be required to carry it. He has walked the ultimate path of suffering, and He has won victory on our behalf.

This truth led Elisabeth to say, “Whatever is in the cup that God is offering to me, whether it be pain and sorrow and suffering and grief along with the many more joys, I’m willing to take it because I trust Him.” Because suffering is never for nothing." --goodreads

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