The Myth of Control

My daughter Emersyn is currently finishing up her swimming lessons for the summer. It’s been very rewarding to see her progress as both her skill and confidence have grown. As I’ve had a front-row seat to her frustrations and successes throughout this process, it’s reinforced to me a part of her personality that I can relate to.

In one of her early lessons, her teacher remarked to me that our greatest hurdle in helping Emersyn become a better swimmer would be encouraging her to give up the illusion of control.

​As her mom, I’ve seen this struggle manifest itself in many ways — her reluctance to go down the slide at the playground, hesitation in her interactions with our new puppy, unwillingness to jump from a higher step or platform unless I am holding her hand. ​

In all of these circumstances, there is a point where she must relinquish control or even acknowledge that she has little to none. It is more than just fear at play. It is an understanding deep down that, try as she might, there are things beyond her control and a desperation to fight and change that. ​

While I can recognize the futility of my daughter endeavoring to control the water in a swimming pool, I am less apt to see the ways in which my heart often mirrors her own. This summer I frequently reminded her that in order to swim, she was going to have to let go of her fear and the idea of control. In doing so, she would learn a valuable skill but also find freedom and fun in the process. Each time I counseled her with this truth, a voice would whisper to my heart, “and you, too.”

The truth is there is no such thing as control, at least not for us created beings. We like to think that if only we could have complete control over the people and circumstances in our lives, things would be better and we would find the safety, security, and peace we crave. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Control is a myth, a lie. The reality is that our shoulders were never meant to bear the weight of control and we could never endure its load. Only God is wise enough and strong enough to exert control over all living things at every moment without ceasing. ​

Control Versus Stewardship

The definition of control is to have the power of ruling, regulating, limiting, and dominating a person or circumstance. While this may sound harsh and severe to us, our God is able to exert His authority and control over creation with perfect wisdom and steadfast love. In His hands, control is a loving, protective tool. ​

However, when we try to take God’s place and assume control in our lives, it becomes selfish, manipulative, and destructive. We cannot rule, regulate, limit, or dominate anyone or anything, and when we try to force or impose our will, there are almost always disastrous consequences. 

And yet, in this life, we are not left completely powerless. What God has given us is not control, but power with limits. This is stewardship. Every aspect of our lives is wrapped up in stewardship. From our bodies and health to our finances to our time to our relationships and everything in between, we are stewards. That role and responsibility are certainly not powerless. 
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For example, my husband and I are stewards of our daughter. We have the responsibility and power to instruct, discipline, guide, and nurture her. We can create an environment that curbs or restrains her behavior, and we can impose our will on her to a point. However, we cannot control her, not truly. I cannot force my child to love God. I cannot make her give her heart to Him. Only God can reach and control her heart. But He has given us the responsibility and power to either soften or harden her heart to His truth. Ultimately, Emersyn belongs to God, not us. She is His creation.

“Behold, all souls are Mine; the soul of the father as well as the soul of the son is mine.” Ezek. 18:4​

We are stewards of Emersyn’s life and heart, a powerful responsibility. But we are not her Sovereign. As we seek to love her and steward her well, we must often remind ourselves that our goal is not to control or subjugate her to our will but to point her to Christ in such a way that she gladly kneels to His rule in her life. ​

The Fallout of Fighting for Control

I’ll be honest, I know the truth about control in my head, but my heart so often deceives me into fighting for control anyway. Each time I do, I face the inevitable consequences.

1. An Anxious Heart
   Trying to control people or circumstances never brings us the peace we desire. In fact, it does just the opposite. It only amplifies our fear and causes our hearts to feel anxious. This is because we are entangling ourselves in a futile task. No matter how clever or capable we are, we cannot control people at the heart level, where real change takes place. Only God can.
   
   “The king's heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; He turns it wherever He will.” Proverbs 21:1
   
   Since we are made in God’s image there are attributes we share with Him. However, the ability to exercise perfect, sovereign control is not among them. And yet we constantly and unwisely strive to make the attribute our own. “When we reach for control,” explains author Jen Wilkin, “we announce that we, rather than an all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful, infinitely good God, should govern the universe.” 
   
   Put in such plain words, we recognize the utter foolishness of such an idea. And, not only is it foolish, it is sinful. Sin always creates anxiety because it puts a wedge between us and the Lord. It interrupts our fellowship with Him.
   
   King David learned this lesson as he tried to manage the consequences of his sin with Bathsheba. He sought to cover his sin and manipulated the people around him to protect himself. In Psalm 32, he details the depth of anxiety he faced as the result of his sin and attempts to control the outcome.
   
   “My bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night, Your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.” Psalm 32:3-4
   
   If we truly want peace, it will not be found in striving to control the world around us. Peace can only come when we live in reliance on God.
   
   
2. Injured Relationships
   A second result of trying to control people is that it invariably leads to strained and injured relationships. It rarely happens all at once, but over time, constant manipulation and interference in the lives of those we love will lead to broken trust and poisoned relationships. 
   
   Sometimes we do this in such subtle ways that we are not even aware that we are doing it. That’s how insidious our desire to control can be. When my husband and I were newly married, I quickly learned how differently we thought and operated. As a teacher, I prided myself on the ability to be able to present facts and information in such a way to inform and persuade my students. To be sure, it’s a necessary skill for the classroom, but not so much in a marriage! In our discussions as newlyweds, I would grow frustrated because even after presenting him with what I felt was hard evidence and indisputable facts leading to my conclusions, he often still disagreed with me and came to a different judgment. 
   
   Without even realizing it, I changed tactics. One day, my husband revealed to me that he felt I was trying to manipulate him. I was appalled and balked at the accusation. In my mind, manipulation was a purposefully thought out strategy to undermine or influence. But the more I thought and reflected on the matter, I realized that manipulation and control go far deeper than that. I may not have been consciously scheming and planning how to get my way, but I was still being manipulative. I realized that if I am not consciously striving to bring my sinful heart under God’s call to selflessness and humility, then it will always seek to get what it wants, through whatever means necessary. There is no neutral position. I am either fighting this sin or letting it win. 
   
   ​​I praise the Lord that He revealed this tendency to me early on in my marriage. If left unchecked, I could have done serious damage to my relationship with my husband. I am still far from perfect, but I am striving by His grace. ​

Overcoming Control

1. Ask Hard Questions
   The first question isn’t “Am I trying to take control?” but rather, “HOW am I trying to take control?” Be willing to look at your relationships with the magnifying glass of God’s Word and see where you may be looking to control, impose your expectations, or manipulate people’s thoughts, feelings, or actions. 
   
   Another question to ask is “What is my first response when life goes awry?” Is your first inclination to pray and seek Godly wisdom, or is it to find or manufacture some sort of solution? There will be ways in which we need to act and decisions that must be made, but if we do so without seeking God first, we are usurping His place and seeking control. 
   
   
2. Repent
   Once you recognize the ways in which you take control or are tempted not to trust God as Sovereign, confess and repent. Ask God to help you trust Him and His wisdom. Memorize Scriptures that you can rely on in times of temptation.
   
   If you need to, ask the people in your life for forgiveness. Be honest and name your sin. Ask for accountability in this area. 
   
   
3. Pray
   God knows our problems. He is aware of them before we ever are. Therefore, He must be our first and foremost confidant and point of reliance. He is sovereign but He is not aloof or uncaring. Consider the death of Lazarus. Jesus knew well before anyone else that His friend would become ill and die. Mary and Martha’s message to come quickly did not catch Him by surprise. When finally He arrived in Bethany four days after Lazarus’s burial, He spoke with Mary and Martha and then asked to be taken to the grave. It is here that we see the heart of Jesus. 
   
   “‘Where have you laid him?’ He asked. ‘Come and see, Lord,’ they replied. Jesus wept.” John 11:34-34
   
   Why did Jesus weep? Because He cares. He loved Mary, Martha, and Lazarus, and He had compassion for the grief they were experiencing. He knew He would bring back his friend from the dead, and yet He wept, grieved, and shared the pain of what had taken place to those He loved. 
   
   ​He feels no less love for you. When life seems chaotic or our circumstances feel beyond what we can bear, He cares. ​​

Consider the words of author and pastor John Onwuchekwa:

“Prayer reminds us that control is an illusion, a farce. We don’t have it. But, far from driving us to depression, I think this fact drives us to dependence. When we depend on God, we see Him in a whole new light. We’re reminded that the God that we serve is eager to do good to us. This is not a God that has to be coerced into solving our problems . . . More than that, God Himself tells us the things that we should pray for so that we don’t have to invent them all ourselves. God is eager to come through. He’s eager to bless, to help His children.”

Not only can we take comfort knowing God is eager to help us in our trials and difficulties, but He is also using them to grow, strengthen, and conform us into Christlikeness. He is not arbitrary or capricious in what He allows into our lives. He is purposeful and He is faithful. So, when life becomes tumultuous and you feel yourself grasping for control, remember who He is. Call to Him in prayer and trust His perfect wisdom.

We are not in control and there could be no better news. I have enough work to do and burdens to bear; I do not need the weight of control. Throughout the history of our world, God has proven time and time again He is more than capable and trustworthy to order “all things according to the counsel of His own will” (Ephesians 1:11). He has shown His love and care for His creation by sending His own Son to heal our brokenness and redeem our souls. ​

When life seems to be spiraling out of control, we need never doubt He has a plan, a perfect plan. His purposes cannot be thwarted (Job 42:2). No, control is not a burden we need ever bear. Our goal, our responsibility is to live in a way that honors Him, that points to His greatness. 

No strength of our own,
or goodness we claim,
Yet since we have known
the Savior's great name;
In this, our strong tower
for safety. we hide,
The Lord is our power,
the Lord will provide
When life sinks apace
and death is in view,
This word of His grace
shall comfort us through:
No fearing or doubting
with Christ on our side,
We hope to die shouting
​"The Lord will provide!”

“The Lord Will Provide” is a precious song to my husband and me. We sang it at our wedding almost ten years ago. It meant much to us back then and even more now that we’ve lived a decade of life together. I am always challenged by its words and the call to live in dependence on God, confident that He will never fail us. I share its final words with you and pray you will be encouraged and emboldened to trust Him more each day. Let’s live fully committed to Him and His purposes for us, knowing He is able and eager to bring all things together for good!

How have you seen God bring all things together for good after you yielded your control?