​From Tongue Up to Tongue Down and All the Heartache in Between

Sometimes I feel like my tongue has a mind of its own. No matter what truth about God I’m meditating on that day, or how much grace I have to be thankful for in my own life that week, I always find it monstrously difficult to hold my tongue still when people and circumstances give it an opportunity to dance. After all, I’m entitled to my opinions. Expressing what I know and feel about other people falls under free speech, right? It can be so liberating—so gratifying to allow my words to flow uninhibited. ​

And then I sit down to read God’s Word and my overindulged tongue begins to stumble over the words of the Psalmist declaring: ​

"Lord, who shall abide in Thy tabernacle? Who shall dwell in Thy holy hill [...] he that backbiteth not with his tongue, nor doeth evil to his neighbor, nor taketh up a reproach against his neighbor." Psalm 15:1,3

Ouch

But surely, some “neighbors” deserve a reproach:

• The customer at work who threw a credit card in my face
• The friend who chose to believe a lie about me
• The person in my life that everyone likes because they don’t know what they’re really like 

Then there are those people who should understand that their chosen positions make them free game for a little bit of everyone’s opinion: ​

• The teacher that has no idea how to be interesting
• The boss that treats employees unfairly
• The church leader who fails to shepherd perfectly​​

​Why then, can my tongue not make it through Ephesians 4:29 without guilt and conviction slowing it down?

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” 

Could my tongue be described as a “minister of grace?” Are the things I say true? Usually. Are they necessary? In the heat of my anger and feelings of injustice, I sometimes convince myself that they are necessary. Do they minister grace to the people who hear them? Rarely. 

We have all heard the sermons cautioning "be careful little lips what you say." An admonition on gossip isn't a new concept to any of us who frequently attend church. Lately, though, I’ve been realizing how many of my words cannot be described as “edifying” or “ministering grace.” In fact, a lot of my words are the complete opposite of grace.

All of us spend each day speaking words that we can never unspeak. These words represent who we are to the people around us. Our own words define us. As Christians, they show the world who our God is. Do your unsaved coworkers see God as a minister of grace or as a corrupt backbiter casting shadows of reproach? ​

When in Doubt, Don't Say It

You'd be surprised how much you can say just by keeping your mouth shut. God’s work of conviction in my heart has forced me to evaluate the words coming out of my mouth in all kinds of different situations, and I have found that much guilt and regret can be avoided by simply choosing to say nothing. 
​
Psalm 34:13 tells the reader, ​

“Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.”

We can be ministers of grace to others by what we don’t say as well as by what we say. Most of us are a little too used to our freedom of speech to just let our mouths say the first thing our minds think. Remember that “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked” (Jeremiah 17:9a). In the passion or carelessness of the moment, our hearts can easily lead us to say something that does not reflect God’s grace. 

If you aren’t sure that the words about to come out will be gracious, just don’t say them. Silence is not weakness. It can be a mature, deliberate, and difficult choice to keep ourselves from selfishly maligning God’s reputation. Remember, God has shown you more grace than you will ever have to show that person who has wronged you or in some way seems inferior to you. Swallow the pride that makes you want to show everyone how much better you are than that person. Remember how Jesus treats sinners. Represent. ​

​Good Intentions Don't Prevent Bad Consequences

We often justify the slanderous stories or information we share with others. We think they have the right to know since their children also have that teacher, their husbands also know that woman, or their mothers also attend that church. 

There is a fine line, though, between warning someone of a person or place that may be harmful to their family and sharing stories that may needlessly harm another person’s reputation. 

​My dad tells a story about a preacher who kept a feather pillow in his office. This pillow occasionally had to be replaced, but no one knew its purpose. One day, a member of the congregation became privy to the puzzle when she confessed her sinful gossip habit to the pastor, promising to do whatever it took to make amends for her sin. The pastor grabbed the pillow, took out his pocket knife, and cut a large slit in one end. "To how many people have you gossiped about this person?" the pastor asked. She thought about it and replied that she had spoken to six people. The pastor instructed her to take the pillow and deposit a handful of feathers on the front lawn of each person, and then to return to see him the following day. Having faithfully complied, the woman returned to his office, where he gave her one more task. "Now, go and collect the feathers you've dispersed and return my pillow to me whole." ​

​Obviously, the last task the pastor gave this woman was an impossible one, but it serves as a valuable lesson about gossiping. Sin can be forgiven, but the making amends part—that's a feather pillow.

We can never unsay words that are spoken. We can apologize and be granted forgiveness, but the damage to that person's reputation, the hurt that person feels, and the way we have damaged our own reputation as recipients of God's grace cannot be magically removed. ​​

Remember the Golden Rule

We have all known since we were children to treat others as we want them to treat us, but sometimes we forget that this is not just advice, this is a commandment from the Bible: ​

“Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” Matthew 7:12

When applied to our words, this principle is quite simple. If you wouldn’t want someone else saying it about you, chances are you know and the person you’re telling knows that you’re gossiping. Just because something might be true doesn’t mean that person would want you to share it with someone else, no matter how much you feel entitled to. Once again, remember God’s grace to you. Show that grace to another imperfect human.

Be Especially Guarded in Your Speech about Fellow Believers

Just last Sunday, my pastor described how the New Testament church functioned as a family who took care of each other. This behavior, in our world, is not natural. It is natural to act out of self-interest. A community of people who serve, love, and care for each other in their speech as well as their actions is a powerful testimony. This testimony is what attracted the New Testament people to the gospel, and it is still what God uses to draw people today. 

As believers, we have the responsibility to rebuke each other directly, not to spread the word about somebody's wrongdoing until everyone else knows. As my pastor said, we should not be "harsh on brothers and sisters in Christ under the same grace as we are." We cannot be unified if our words divide us. In John 17:21, Jesus prays to the Father:

"That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in Me, and I in Thee, that they also may be one in Us: that the world may believe that Thou hast sent Me."

Words that cause hurt, division, and disillusion within the body of Christ hamper the work of the gospel. The work of the gospel is God’s work of grace to the world. Don’t stand in the way of God’s grace because you like sharing nasty secrets about other members of the body of Christ.

In her book Control Girl, Shannon Popkin writes, ​

“Stop sharing information that will divide people. Proverbs 16:28 says, ‘A whisperer separates close friends.’ A woman with a pure, untwisted heart works to fortify relationships, not damage them. She repeats the good things people say about each other. She endears them to each other. She sows seeds of peace, not discord. Sure, she still sees the unfair treatment, betrayal, and rudeness. But for the sake of relationships, she refrains from passing out grenades. Rather than using conflict to her advantage or to solicit support for her side, the woman who relinquishes control to God keeps the circle small while working through hurtful disagreements.”

Be Especially Merciful in Your Speech about Unbelievers

Remember how much you needed God’s grace when you were saved? That should really be all I need to say here. Those around us in need of God’s saving grace are not drawn closer to the gospel of Christ when Christ’s followers speak what they deserve to hear. They are used to hearing what they deserve. Everyone likes to pick out their faults and talk about them behind their backs. Be different. Be the person who speaks words of kindness that they don’t deserve.

• Only then will they know you are different.
  
• Only then will they wonder why.
  
• Only then can you draw them closer to God’s grace.
  
• Only then can you be a minister of God’s grace to a world he died to save.

Gossiping is one of my weaknesses—one of my daily temptations that I sometimes don't even recognize without hindsight reflection. I'm definitely not sharing these lessons because I've mastered them, but because I need help with them. We all do, if we're honest. 

So, if you come to my workplace and hear me talking badly about a coworker, don't run home and tell your husband that Cami is such a hypocrite. Be a minister of God's grace to me. Value my testimony of our God enough to come up to me and rebuke me. Rebuke me in love that I might change. This is the work of the body of Christ.

Whenever you're tempted to say something you aren't sure you should say, ask yourself:

1. Is it true?
2. Is it necessary?
3. Does it minister grace? 

If you can't answer those three questions with a "yes," don't say it. It really is that simple. 

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​Control Girl

Lessons on Surrendering Your Burden of Control from Seven Women in the Bible

​Little fights with your husband and kids. Unhappiness when things don't match your version of perfect. Tension, anger, fear, anxiety—it all begins with a heart that craves control. When your perspective of how life should go replaces God's, you doom your quest for security, peace, and joy before it even starts. 

Thankfully, there is a better way.

Join Shannon as she shares what she has discovered about her own control struggles and about God from studying seven Control Girls in the Bible. Whether it was Eve's desire to know instead of trust, Sarah's inability to wait for God to move, or Rebekah's controlling hand on her family's future, each of these women's stories contain warnings and lessons for us today. 

Learn how you too can lay down this burden of trying to control everything and find rest in surrendering to the One who truly is in control.

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