Forgiveness That Frees

As a Christian, there are often times when the commands of Scripture seem almost impossible to follow. This is especially true when it comes to what God’s Word tells us about forgiveness.

People wound and hurt us. Sometimes those hurts are simple slights or offenses that can be easily mended with a conversation and a genuine apology. However, there are all too many occasions when there are serious and hurtful wrongs that cut deeply and lead to pain, sorrow, damaged relationships, and bitterness. When we find ourselves dealing with these kinds of hurts, it is difficult to imagine how we can follow God’s call to offer free and full forgiveness.

Is it even possible? In my life, I've experienced this kind of questioning and uncertainty. 

For years I lived with the frustration and strain of a difficult relationship. This person relentlessly attacked my character, accused me of countless false or perceived offenses, and slandered me to others. This individual’s actions not only caused me immense personal anxiety and sadness, but they also put great strain on many of my relationships with others. The fact that we are both followers of Christ should have simplified matters, but instead, it just made it more complicated. Every time we sat down to clear up matters and seek reconciliation, I trusted and believed we would finally find it. But in no time at all, I found my hopes for peace were not to be realized. I couldn’t understand how two believers could not find lasting resolution and peace. ​

In time, I grew so weary of this cycle that instead of desiring peace, my heart began to crave justice. I wanted this person to hurt the way I had hurt. I wanted people to see in this person what I saw. It was after many months of selfishly nursing my hurts and pains that the Lord began to show me a better way. The only way for me to find true peace was through forgiveness. ​

What Forgiveness Is

To know how to forgive we must understand what forgiveness is. The best way to that understanding is to look at how God forgives us. Scripture exhorts us in this way.

“[Bear] with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” Colossians 3:13 
 
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” ​Ephesians 4:32

Let us consider for a moment how God forgives. Before we loved God, He loved us (1 John 4:10). While we were still God’s enemy, hating Him, and not desiring His forgiveness in the slightest, He sought us (Romans 5:7-10). He did this by sending His own beloved Son to be a perfect and sinless sacrifice for us. Furthermore, Christ endured the full weight of God’s wrath and justice for us. When we place our faith and trust in the work of Christ, our sins are pardoned!
 
Greater insight into God’s forgiveness can be found in the book of Micah. ​

“Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of His inheritance? He does not retain His anger forever, because He delights in steadfast love. He will again have compassion on us; He will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.” Micah 7:18-19 

God’s example teaches us two very important things about forgiveness:
 

1. Forgiveness refuses to remember.
   Contrary to the old saying, God doesn’t really forget our sin. God cannot forget, even when it comes to our sins. However, God promises us that he will not remember our sin. This means that He will not use our sins against us. Once our sins have been forgiven, they are in the past, covered by the blood of Christ. God never uses them as a weapon to indict or convict us. 
   
   Likewise, we can never truly forget the sins and hurts inflicted on us by others. But we can promise and endeavor not to hold the sins of others against them, especially when we say we have forgiven them.
   
   
2. Forgiveness is a gift of grace.
   ​No one deserves forgiveness, especially when we are speaking of the forgiveness God offers to us. You cannot earn God’s forgiveness. Therefore, it is ludicrous to assume that we can withhold our forgiveness from others until they have done enough to merit it. Just like God made a way for us when we were still sinners, we ought to freely forgive those who have wronged us. This means we don’t wait to be asked or to have hurts acknowledged or atoned.

John Piper explains it this way:

“They have not asked for any forgiveness, and they don’t think they need any, making life miserable for us . . . it is true that the full effect of forgiveness can only happen if the other person believes they need it and want it. But we do not wait for that, right? We don’t wait for them to do their half before we do our half. We must be rid of bitterness and grudges right away. We do what Jesus did on the cross.” —John Piper

What Forgiveness Is Not

While we need to know what forgiveness is, we also need to understand what it is not. 
 

1. Forgiveness is not a task done only once. 
   God’s divine forgiveness is unique in many ways. Although we are to seek to emulate Him, we must recognize that we cannot forgive exactly as He does. As stated earlier, God’s forgiveness refuses to remember our sin, and once He has forgiven us, He does just that. “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our transgressions from us” (Psalm 103:12). 
   
   But we are not God and must realize that we will often be tempted to go back on our promise of forgiveness. We may find ourselves remembering and perhaps dwelling on past hurts. Our fickle hearts may begin to open old wounds and use them against those we say we’ve forgiven.
   
   True forgiveness requires vigilance on our part not to allow this. We must be sensitive to any leaning toward anger or resentment. Biblical forgiveness means we must do the continual work not to remember the sins of others nor to allow them to plant even the tiniest seeds of bitterness in our hearts.
   
   
2. Forgiveness is not excusing sin. 
   We must never believe that forgiveness overlooks, minimizes, or glosses over sin. The fact that our sin required Christ’s sacrificial death on the cross is more than proof of that. Additionally, just because sin is forgiven doesn’t mean there are not still consequences that will be faced. What forgiveness does mean is that we will not pursue vengeance or justice on our own. We rightfully leave that to the Lord (Romans 12:19).
   
   
3. Forgiveness is not the same as trust. 
   As I said before, forgiveness is a gracious gift, one that we ought to give without conditions. Forgiveness is always unconditional, but trust definitely comes with conditions. Loss of trust is a consequence of sin. We trust those who have proven themselves faithful and trustworthy and vice versa. Especially when there is a pattern of behavior that erodes trust, it is clear that placing our confidence in that person is not the wisest course.
   
   For me, this was a lesson I learned the hard way. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I found myself in a cycle of being hurt and maligned over a long period of time. Each time I offered forgiveness and tried to pursue reconciliation, I felt that I must also offer my full self to this person as a show of good faith and as evidence that I really had forgiven them. It was my husband who finally helped me to see that I was opening myself up to continue to be hurt by this person who demonstrated by their repeated actions that my trust in them was misplaced.
   
   ​Trust is not proof of forgiveness. We can and must forgive, even when the offender does so continually. But it is not wise to allow a person who persists in causing injury into our inmost circle of trust. The Bible tells us that we are known by the fruit that we bear (Luke 6:43-45). If and when there is the fruit that shows true repentance and change, we should be gracious in beginning to give our trust, but we ought not to feel that it must be given before then.

The Way Of Forgiveness

Perhaps you are in the midst of a struggle to forgive someone who has wronged you. You know you need to forgive but you are wrestling with how to begin. 
 

1. Remember the cross. 
   Read and study Matthew 18 and the parable of the merciless servant. Christ’s point in this parable is that we cannot withhold forgiveness when we ourselves have been the recipients of even greater forgiveness. Our debt of sin was so great! There was nothing we could ever have done to pay it on our own. We justly deserved to be separated from God in hell forever. And yet, Christ, the perfect man, suffered a humiliating death on our behalf and forever satisfied God’s wrath. There is no offense, wound, or attack you can face in this life that can surpass the magnitude of how we have sinned against God. Nevertheless, God has forgiven us. 
   
   When you are tempted to hold onto your hurts and nurse your bitterness, remember how much you’ve been forgiven. You cannot withhold your forgiveness for far lesser things. Leave justice to the Lord and let Him be your protector.
   
   
2. Pray for those who have hurt you. 
   Other than the grace of God in my life, praying for the individual who wounded me deeply was the greatest thing that helped me to finally forgive and move on. I can say from experience that it is almost impossible to stay angry with someone for whom you are earnestly praying. It was in my prayers that God reminded me of the grace I have received. It was there that He broke down my walls of pride and bitterness and helped me to see this person, not with eyes of contempt or anger but eyes of compassion. This is why Christ tells us to “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (Matthew 5:44). 
   

​The way of forgiveness is not easy. But it is far more difficult to exist in bitterness. When we avoid forgiveness and hold onto our hurts, we imprison ourselves in a jail of our own creation. We give our wounds even greater power over us. Greater still, we are living in disobedience to God. Forgiveness is always the best way because it is God’s way. ​

To this day I have never received an apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing, and I don’t expect to. I don’t need one. Through the grace of God working in my life, I have been able to forgive and leave those hurts in the past. If the day should come where my forgiveness is requested, nothing will change, at least not for me. And even though I am still tempted to remember what was done or to feel a sting at the memory of past wrongs, my next immediate thought is gratitude. I can honestly say that I am thankful for it all because through that time God grew me and refined me. He exposed my own sinful heart, and He showed me His grace, love, and forgiveness. ​If you are fighting to forgive, take heart. The pains you’ve endured are not beyond God’s hand or healing. Pursue forgiveness and revel in the joy that you have also been forgiven much.

"...we cannot withhold forgiveness when we ourselves have been the recipients of even greater forgiveness." That is so true! How can I not forgive? "When you are tempted to hold onto your hurts and nurse your bitterness, remember how much you’ve been forgiven.... The way of forgiveness is not easy. But it is far more difficult to exist in bitterness."