Creating JOY in a Season of Grief

I was recently asked to speak at a local GriefShare meeting on how to survive the holidays in spite of overwhelming grief. It's a subject I can speak on drawing from personal experience.

I found, in my own situation, that the first year after you've lost a loved one is the most difficult as you cycle through the many holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, and special days. My sister was killed just 12 days before Christmas. So, that first Christmas was incredibly difficult for us, and the second wasn't much easier.

I think that first Christmas we were all just so completely numb, and by the second, we were realising that things would just never be the same again.

As I prayed and thought of what I might share at this GriefShare meeting, and the points I wanted to get across, I thought of this simple, easy-to-remember acrostic— J-O-Y. You may have heard of it before (Jesus - Others - You), but for this group of hurting friends, I wanted to put just a little bit of a different spin on it. It's one we all can benefit from this Christmas.

Jesus

Jesus has you right where He wants you and none of this catches Him by surprise.
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​There's not a day that goes by that I do not understand more clearly how God can use the difficulties, heartaches, and brokenness in our lives to bring about incredible beauty. The lives my family have been able to touch through the tragedy we experienced would not have happened in any other way. There are people that are going to be in heaven one day as a result of my sister's death, and you cannot put any type of price tag on that.

10 years ago, my mother had breast cancer. She's a survivor. If you were to talk to my mother today she would tell you that if she were given the opportunity to go back and have or not have cancer, she would choose to do it all over again, just as God planned. My mother, through the death of my sister, and her fight with cancer as well, has had the unique opportunity to reach so many people that she would not have reached otherwise. Jesus has you right where He wants you today for a unique purpose—for your good and for His glory.

Know also that not only does Jesus have you right where He wants you, but none of this catches Him by surprise or off-guard like it does us. He knew the plan all along the way. He knew this would be a part of your story and my story. I remember the night so vividly that I got the call from my mom about my sister's death. My mom said only two words, "Ginger's dead." It was such a shock because I had just talked with Ginger on the phone. Honestly though, my very first thought was God never intended for Ginger to live past the age of 18. He had no plans for her life past that point. Her purpose on this earth was complete in those short, 18 years. We just didn't know it. Jesus has you right where He wants you and none of this catches Him by surprise.

​Others

Look around and focus your attention on others, this is just a chapter, not the whole book.
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​One of the things I did after my sister's death, and I talk about this in my book The Heart That Heals, is I wrote thank you notes to everyone I could think of that had invested in my life—especially, if that investment was of a spiritual nature. I found it difficult to be overcome with my own grief and be grateful at the same time. Grief and gratefulness have a hard time living in the same house. This helped me so much, and I believe it will help you as well.

I didn't start from today and look backwards, I started back as far as I could remember—elementary school and even before—with my earliest childhood memories, and wrote letters to relatives, teachers, friends, mentors, etc., and I just kept writing until I couldn't think of anyone else to thank. Even at your lowest, you have a lot to be grateful for, friend. Let's not let the spirit of thanksgiving rest in November. Let's carry it on throughout the holiday season and into the new year as well. This season, look around, look back, and focus on others and all you have to be grateful for.

This chapter of grief that you are in is just that, a chapter. It is not the whole book. It is not your whole story. I know you may feel stuck in this chapter today, but someday you will be writing a new chapter, a beautiful chapter in which God allows you to share your story and help others. ​Look around and focus your attention on others, this is just a chapter, not the whole book.

​You

Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and permission to feel joy and happiness again.
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I sat on a bench outside a courtroom and the man who killed my sister sat on the other end of that same bench. I looked at him and I said, "I forgive you." I didn't say it aloud, but in my heart I said those words. I forgave him. I had to. I needed to. I thought to myself that day, I would rather my sister to have been the one that was killed rather than the one that killed, and that is still my thoughts today. This man has to live with the fact that he took the life of an innocent human being the rest of his life. I would not have wanted my sister to have to live with that on her conscious. I forgave my sister's killer that day, not because he asked to be forgiven, not because he deserved to be forgiven, but because I wanted to give myself the gift of forgiveness. It is a gift!

I've had many more opportunities in my lifetime to forgive and can I just tell you, friend, that forgiveness is truly a gift you give yourself. When you forgive someone it doesn't mean that they asked for forgiveness or deserve it, but it means that you are setting yourself free from the bondage of bitterness, anger, and hatred, and you are choosing to forgive and love as Christ did. So, today, this holiday season, give yourself the gift of forgiveness.

Not only do you need to give yourself the gift of forgiveness, but you also need to give yourself permission to feel joy and happiness again. You may feel a twinge of guilt for feeling joyful or happy or laughing at a joke. I remember the immense guilt I felt, early on after my sister's death, for smiling, laughing or just being joyful. This type of guilt serves no purpose and this is not what your loved one wants. This is not what God wants for you either, friend. No amount of sadness is going to bring your loved one back. They want you to go on with your life and smile at beautiful things, laugh at funny things and be joyful, especially during the holiday season.

"As we journey with Jesus we are called upon to serve as a life-giving presence in places that suffer heartbreak and despair. Let's keep looking for opportunities to extend the joy, hope and love of Jesus." —Jason Daye

I am reminded of the death of King David's son in 2 Samuel 12. While the child was ill David fasted and prayed. He laid all night on the ground by the child. He did this for seven days the Bible says. Then, the child died and this is what God's Word records:

"Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate.

Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.”

​He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:20-23

I love that the first thing David did after cleaning himself up is that he went into the house of the Lord and he worshiped. Give yourself the gift of forgiveness and permission to feel joy and happiness again.

I understand, friend, that this season may be especially difficult for you. I truly do understand. I've been there. But I promise you, it won't always be like this. This season will pass, and although you will still miss your loved one, it will get easier. I promise. You will remember the fond memories. You will smile again. You will laugh again, without guilt, and best of all, you will learn how to create JOY again.

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Download the JOY Card

We think of Thanksgiving as the season of thankfulness and Christmas as the season of giving (or getting). But can't we continue to be thankful right on into the Christmas season, and beyond? This Christmas, consider using the JOY Card to continue the thankfulness you started in November and spread that thanks to those who have had a part in your life to get you to where you are today.

Join the movement, download and print the JOY Card and start sending out notes of thanks today. You can purchase a premium pack of 100 dark gray envelopes here and a set of silver and gold metallic markers here (or visit your local craft story) and be on your way to a thankful holiday season that focuses on Jesus and others.

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Find a GriefShare group meeting near you

There are thousands of GriefShare groups meeting weekly at locations around the world. There’s probably one near you! The GriefShare program is designed so that you can join the group at any time. You will be welcomed and encouraged. Find a GriefShare group meeting near you today and let's get started!

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“At times, life’s path seems filled with things that make the going rough, and we wish there were a smoother road, for we feel we’ve had enough. But, if we pause a moment and remember Who’s in charge, the hills that loom ahead of us no longer seem so large, and every rock before us, when we know we’re not alone, becomes, not just a stumbling block, but one more steppingstone.” —Emily Matthews 

I will tell you, friend, whatever you are going through today, take notes, because there are a lot of hurting people behind you and your story will be their roadmap. How have you created JOY in a season of grief?