​3 Ways to be a Good Friend

When I moved from Pennsylvania to Georgia, seven years ago, one of the most daunting things I faced was the need to make new friends in a new place. I struggled. For me, the small talk and slow give and take of information, actions, and opinions that eventually build trust, love, and friendship is a hard process.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I love friendship, and I have several close friends with whom I love to talk and spend quality time. I love friendships that are already established—already tested.

I love friendships where:

• trust is given and received freely.
• disagreements are interesting instead of uncomfortable.
• distance makes us creative with ways to stay close instead of pulling us apart.

These kinds of friendships are one of my favorite things about my life, and many of my long-term friendships at the time I moved (and even now) were formed easily over the course of shared college classrooms or dorms.

Starting over in a place where people didn’t know me and I didn’t know them, my perspective on friendship had to change. I was no longer in college where everyone had “being new” in common and used that newness to bond. Now, I was meeting people in an adult world where friendships weren’t automatic.
 
For the first time, I began learning how to make friends on purpose.
 
Recently, my pastor began a series on biblical friendships, and the messages have resonated strongly with me because of the lessons I’ve been learning in my own life. It felt good to hear from the pulpit a truth that I have been experiencing in my life: friendships are important. They are important because they reflect and shape our thoughts, beliefs, and actions. They can push us closer to Christ or push us away from Him.
 
Even though friendships are important, I have sometimes found myself making friends for selfish or shallow reasons:

• Do they have good taste in movies and literature?
• Do they like the same foods I do?
• Do they have so much money they’ll always want to do things I can’t afford to do?
• Do they have so many kids that we’ll never have time to do anything together?

These (for better or worse) are some of the things that go through my head when I (often unconsciously) evaluate whether or not I can be friends with someone. I want to know if our personalities are compatible—if our lifestyles are compatible.

It’s not wrong to want to befriend people who have things in common with me, but the focus of friendship should be what I can do for my friend, not on what my friend can do for me. That leads me to the first lesson I’ve been learning on friendship.

1. Good friendship requires me to be a good friend.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to focus more on the other person’s qualities than I do on my own when forming a friendship. I focus on what they can add to my life—fun times, good conversations, interesting ideas. But it is never healthy to begin a relationship based on what the other person can do for me. That will just make me a user—not a friend.
 
Jesus is the ultimate example of a good friend. As the Son of God, Jesus wasn’t going to find any friends that could give Him something He didn’t already have, and yet He purposefully built relationships with the sinners around Him. Why? Because He had everything to give them.

In the ultimate act of love, Jesus gave His own life
​for a world filled with people He wanted to save.

 “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:1

More than likely, you and I won’t be asked to lay down our lives for our friends. So, how can we be a friend like Jesus? Through my church’s series on friendship, I picked up some pointers.
​

To be a friend like Jesus, we must:

1. Be faithful.
   Proverbs 17:17 says, “A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” Loving at all times is not being a fair-weather friend. Loving at all times, regardless of trials or sunshine, is being a friend like Jesus.
   
   Sometimes friendships fade naturally through distance, time, and differences. We just need to make sure we aren’t being the kind of friends who stay long enough to gain a friend’s trust and then leave for no good reason. As my pastor put it, “Don’t go somewhere unless you’re called, and when you go, stay until you’re done." Lorin Regier, Bible Baptist Church
   
   Jesus is the epitome of a faithful friend. In Hebrews 3:5 Jesus says, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.” I can’t control circumstances, but I can choose to be the kind of friend who remains loyal.
   
   
2. Do what is right.
   As an imperfect person, I will never be a perfect friend, but I can be a good friend by desiring to do what is right in the sight of God. If I am living in sin, ignoring God’s commands, or fighting against His will, I will not be able to be a good friend. Instead of encouraging my friend on the right path, I will drag them down with me.
   
   Jesus was, of course, the perfect example of a friend who does right. He is the only righteous man that ever lived. To be a friend like Jesus, we must seek after righteousness.
   
   
3. Promote the other person.
   Friendship is not about me and what I can get out of another person. A good friend denies self to promote the other person. We rejoice for their victories, speak well of them to other people, and encourage them to live up to their God-given potential. As my pastor put it, “True friendship sets aside its own agendas to focus on what’s best for the other person.”
   
   Jesus wasn’t afraid to confront His friends about sin or wrong ways of thinking, but He always did so out of love. He never tore down His friends. Instead, He built them up. In the ultimate demotion of self to promote others, Jesus took the lowly form of a man so that He might save the rebellious hearts of His people.
   
   
4. Push the other person closer to God.
   In good and bad times, a good friend pushes the other person towards God, always pointing them to His promises and His Word. Sometimes this involves confrontation and correction, sometimes this involves encouragement, and sometimes it’s just day-to-day life and accountability.
   
   ​Jesus came to earth for the purpose of pointing people to God. We carry on that purpose as His children here on earth, and if we are pursuing God ourselves, we will naturally push others to pursue a closer relationship with our Heavenly Father.

2. Good friendship requires my friend to be a good friend

Friendship goes two ways. If you’re in a “friendship” in which you are always giving and never receiving anything in return, you are likely draining your inner resources without filling them back up again. You can be a good friend to someone else, but you don’t actually have a good friendship until that person reciprocates.

Are you trying to figure out whether a friend is being a good friend to you? The same rules apply.

1. Are they faithful?
2. Do they do what is right?
3. Do they promote you?
4. Do they push you closer to God

3. Good friendship requires me and my friend to put God before each other.

I believe that friendship is one of God’s greatest blessings. He made each one of us uniquely, with different interpersonal gifts that enable us to form relationships that enrich our lives with support, encouragement, laughter, and so much more.

The best kind of friendship, though, is something more. A true “best” friend is able to be faithful to you, do what’s right, promote you, and push you closer to God because they ultimately care more about what God thinks than about what you think.

When you are tempted to sin, good friends will counsel you to do right because their aim is to do right. When you’re slipping in your walk with God, they can keep you accountable, because they are walking with God. When you need someone in your corner, they can support and promote your cause because they know you and love you with a selfless love that will seek your good above their own. ​Being a good friend, in essence, means being like Jesus, and that should be our ultimate goal anyway. Let’s be more like Jesus so that we can please our God more, know our God better, and develop good, enriching friendships.

What is your experience with good, godly friendships?