2 Unexpected Gifts of Relationship

“It is not good that man should be alone.” Genesis 2:18

This simple statement carries so much weight and truth that I’ve often overlooked it during my years of reading it. God had just finished His work of creation. Everything from the expansive solar system to the tiniest blade of grass came from the words He spoke, and all of it was good. Except for one thing. The only thing God said was not good was that man was alone. 

Technically, one could argue that man wasn’t alone. He was surrounded by animal life, for which he was a steward. He also had God with him. And yet, God said he was alone. From Scripture, we see that God created man to be relational, both with Him and with others. While God is our first and most essential relationship, He also made us to need people.​

We were designed to seek out and have a connectedness to others for companionship, growth, and love. Ultimately, we find all of these and more in God, but in His wisdom, God knows we need the gift of relationships with people—to belong and to be known. Furthermore, when we follow God’s will for our relationships, not only can we find joy and fulfillment in those connections, but they will draw us closer to our Creator so that we can see, know, and experience God as we ought. 

​In Genesis, we see that the first human relationship God gave man was that of a spouse. Additionally, God has given all kinds of interpersonal relationships to His children. He gives us friends, parents, family, mentors, and many more. All of these relationships are precious gifts in the life of the believer. Our relationships have the power to shape us and change us into what God would have us to be. We were not meant to do life alone. We need each other to learn, to be encouraged, and to grow in maturity and wisdom. Relationships, especially Godly ones, gift us with two very important things that we need as we press toward knowing God and becoming more like Christ. ​

1. Relationships Expose Our Weaknesses

At first glance, this may not seem like a benefit but rather a reason to avoid relationships altogether. However, this is arguably one of the greatest things that our relationships with others can do for us.
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We all have weaknesses. We have blind spots and defects. Some of these we are aware of and many more we are not. Outside of the lens of Scripture, the only other way we will take a good, hard look at who we are and how we need to change is by seeing ourselves through the eyes of others. ​

We are often all too willing to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, to go easy on ourselves about our failings while holding others to account for the same flaws. This is why Jesus warns us in Matthew 7:5 to “take the beam out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” We very easily see the specks in others but miss the beams in ourselves.

​I’ve had many relationships that have exposed my faults to me over the years. I can recall my closest friend in my elementary, middle, and high school years. There were so many times she called me out for words that were meant to be funny or witty but were unkind, ungracious, and sarcastic. Her willingness to confront me not only about my behavior but also for the effect my words had on others allowed me to see myself as I really was and not just through my own rose-colored perceptions. 

I think of my best friend of twenty years who loved me through a season in my life when I was content to remain immature and obtuse in my interactions with our friend group. She was patient but firm in holding my words, choices, and actions up to me like a mirror so that I could finally no longer ignore the truth. She gave me both practical and spiritual encouragement to change the way I thought and acted. ​

In my relationship with my husband and even my daughter, I have constantly been confronted with my sin and shortcomings—my selfishness, my pride, and my desire to always be right. This learning process hasn't always come from personal confrontations but often as the result of seeing the consequences of my words and actions as I live day in and day out with them. I cannot escape or ignore the effects my behavior has on my family. I’m grateful that they love me regardless, especially my husband who patiently gives me grace as I wrestle with truly seeing myself and also encourages me as I deal with my sin.

​Honestly, it is a terrifying thing to be truly known—the good, the bad, and the ugly. But when we are, especially in God-honoring relationships, we open the door for two wonderful possibilities.

First, we are challenged to change, to seek after obedience and Christlikeness in the way we think, speak, and act. This is impossible if we never see ourselves as we are. 

Second, we have the opportunity to model with others the grace we already experience with God. With God, we are known, fully and completely.

He knows both our best and our worst. But here is the most glorious truth—regardless of our faults, our flaws, and our defects, He still loves us. Yes, to be known, warts and all is a fearful thing. But to be known and yet still loved, especially the way God loves and pursues us is a beautiful, precious, and humbling thing. 

In our relationships with others, our failings will always rise to the surface. And while that may frighten us initially, it is a good thing. We need to see ourselves as we are, and people are often God’s messengers in our lives to help us do just that. We ought to welcome confrontation, especially from a loving brother or sister in Christ, because God is using them to refine us. We should be grateful to God for the people He gives us that love us even when we are not lovely and will exhort us to live according to our high calling as His children, cheering us on as we pursue Christlikeness. ​

2. Relationships Bring Conflict ​

Just like our sins and weaknesses are bound to be exposed in our relationships, the conflict will also likely make an appearance as well. We often consider conflict to be negative but it’s not simply the existence of conflict that is so bad but rather the way we respond to it.

​Conflict is inevitable. That doesn’t absolve us from trying to avoid it unnecessarily. We shouldn’t go looking for it or act in such a haphazard and careless way that we create it wherever we go. Nevertheless, whether our conflicts arise from differing preferences or sins committed against one another, we ought to embrace them as opportunities to grow and to show the love of Christ with the ultimate goal of resolution. 
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Scripture is clear that a believer is not to let conflict linger. Christ makes this clear in Matthew 5 in His Sermon on the Mount:

“If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5:23-24

The author of Hebrews likewise exhorted believers to strive for peace.

“Strive for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.” Hebrews 12:14-15

Left unresolved, conflict can have lasting and painful consequences. But when humility, love, and peace are pursued, conflict can lead to maturity, understanding, and greater unity. 

When my husband and I were going through our premarital counseling, conflict resolution was the area we struggled with the most. We came from two very different family cultures on the subject. My family talked through everything with every disagreement, whereas his family would sweep strife under the rug and continue as if nothing had happened. 

Our differing educations in conflict resolution led to many disputes and quarrels of our own. We were blessed to have wise and patient counselors who helped us not only to recognize our failings in this area but also showed how to biblically deal with our disagreements to bring about true and lasting peace.

​Here are some key truths we learned:

• Stay humble.  In most of our conflicts with others, we tend to operate as if there is an innocent victim and a guilty villain. But this is rarely the case. In reality, there is usually plenty of sin and fault to be shared on both sides. As we seek reconciliation, we must always remember our tendency to wrong others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Even if we are truly without fault in a particular disagreement, we have been guilty before and will undoubtedly be again. Humility will help us to see ourselves rightly and respond in compassion to another.

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• Be a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper.  There is a big difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking. Peacekeeping is concerned with avoiding conflict but not in dealing with it. Issues may get smoothed over externally for a time, but the hurt, bitterness, and contention continue to boil under the surface. Peacemaking is invested in pursuing unity and reconciliation. This often requires us to have hard and uncomfortable conversations, but avoiding those talks in the name of peace never brings true, lasting peace.

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• Give grace in abundance.  This was a key part of learning to Biblically resolve conflict for my husband and me. We came from very different upbringings of how to deal with conflict, but it was not as simple as one of our methods was right and the other’s was wrong. The bigger truth we had to learn was that we both had room for improvement in how we handled our disagreements. This required us to give grace to each other as we both learned to seek reconciliation together. 
  
  ​My husband was not used to talking through disputes the way I was. My background caused me to be insistent about talking things out and doing so thoroughly. This was overwhelming for my husband. While I wanted to process things externally, he needed time and space to internally process what was happening. This is where the rub came. Neither of us was willing to relinquish our way of dealing with a problem. As a result, our conflicts, which were often minor in origin, only grew as we each became entrenched in how we wanted to handle them.  
  
  Our counselors showed us how we were both wrong and that the only way forward was grace. We both needed to change and we both needed to give grace and lots of it. I needed to show grace to my husband by giving him time to mentally work through things before we had a discussion. Likewise, he learned he needed to be expedient in this process, not leaving me waiting indefinitely with seemingly no resolution in sight. Over the years as we have practiced this, the time we need to take care of conflicts that arise has lessened as have the conflicts themselves. We’ve learned to freely give each other the grace that we also desperately need for ourselves, too. Giving grace and exercising compassion toward each other in our conflicts will transform both our relationships and our hearts, as well. Furthermore, we can display the grace God gives to us as His children as we allow Him to change us and those we love, too. 
  
  
• People are not the enemy — Satan is. No matter what the conflict may be, this is an important reminder that we must hold onto. James instructs us that our feuds, disagreements, and strife with others originate from the sin in our hearts (James 4:1-3). It is this sin of self that is the joy of Satan. He loves it and revels in it. When conflicts arise between you and another, especially another believer, remember that person is not your enemy. Your real adversary is Satan. Your conflict with another is his delight, and he will do what he can to create it, stimulate it, and sustain it. When we stop looking at the other person as our enemy but rather see them as another made in the image of God for whom His Son died, we can quickly diffuse feelings of bitterness and malice and begin to pave the way to pursuing peace. The next time you find yourself frustrated by the turmoil of conflict with another, remember who your true enemy is. And the only way to thwart him is to obey God by loving others and seeking reconciliation. ​

We were not meant to do life alone. God wants us to have genuine and deeply connected relationships with each other. We need each other for more than just combating loneliness and finding companionship. We need each other to learn and grow. We need each other to be challenged and find accountability. We need the community of our relationships to help us fully see and savor our Creator, expose our sins, and goad us to Godly living.

​Be purposeful in seeking out friendships and relationships with others who will push you toward Christ. Lean into and embrace the difficult parts of being real with others—seeing your sin and shortcomings and the conflict that comes from being close to people. This is how God grows us. Like a seed that sprouts and must push through the soil to find air and light, we too are changed and strengthened by friction. It may be hard at times, but isn’t that usually the case for the things that are the most worthwhile? The struggle makes the gift all the more joyful. Let us embrace this precious gift from God—that He saw us alone in this world and said it is not good.

What other unexpected gifts of relationship have you discovered?